The things you do to me

Do you know what you do to me?

You make my heart flutter like swallows tails

Do you know what you do to me?

You bring a brightness to my eyes like shining stars

Do you know what you do to me?

You make my heart glow like warm fire embers

Do you know what you do to me?

You make me giggle like a school child

Do you know what you do to me?

You make my stomach turn over as if tickled by butterflies

Do you know what you do to me?

You make me greet each day with haste

Do you know what you do to me?

You make me wear a smile that sits secretly on my lips

Do you know what you have do to me?

You have melted away the ice I have been protected in

Do you know what you have done to me?

You have made me love again

....thank you

Risen

Battered and bruised

left crushed and broken

feeling destoryed.

Rage and hurt

consume the soul

like fire and flame.

Time heals all

I am rising from

the former ashes of my life.

Like a phoenix

something new and strong

now exists and comes forth

A vixen, a temptress, a siren
stronger more confident

ready to take on the world.

Last night

I held your hand

Again last night.

I saw your smile,

Felt your embrace

The warmth from your body

went straight to my soul.

When it was time to wake

I do not want to go

For sleep is the only place
Where we still meet
And every memory

Still is sweet.

Do You.........?

Do you miss me?
As much as I miss you
Do you long to hear my voice ?
As much as I long to hear yours
Do you remember my smile?
As much as I still see yours dancing on your lips
Do you still remember the things we shared?
As much as I dare when I'm feeling strong
Do you still hear my laughter?
As much as I hear yours
Do you still want to call me in the middle of the night?
As much as I want you to call
Do you still want to hold me in your arms?
As much as I want to be held
Do you wonder if I think of you
Well, if you are reading this
You know I do....

Looking at You

I am looking at you

Standing in the sand

I can see

The curve of your leg

The bareness of your chest

Which the sun is beating upon

You are looking towards the East

And I hope you are thinking of me

Like I am thinking of you
I wish it was me beating down on your chest

And the heat from my body you are feeling

But, I know it's not

For this is just an old photo from yesteryear
And these are just scribbled lines

From a wanton empty but longing heart.

Glory In Death

Long Way To Go

I have came a long way

Yet, I still have a long way to go.

I have battled turmoil

Yet, turmoil I still have to battle.

I have shed a thousand tears

Yet, a thousand tears I still have to shed.

I have had my heartbroken

Yet, heartbreak I still face.

I have said goodbye to loneliness and embraced friends

Yet, I still have said goodbye to friends and embraced loneliness.

I have came a long way

Yet, I still have a long way to go.

The Hookers Prayer

The next one she meets
She's not gonna shag
Unless of course
It's someone she's already had

For once in her life
She wants to be seen
As something new
Someone clean

To keep her vow
This maybe hard to do
But she is determined
To do it for you

The next time
She says 'I do'
Its not telling a client , she sleeps around
But telling a priest,
Her man she has finally found

The next one she meets
She's not gonna shag
For once in her life
She is not gonna be a slag

Take Me In Your Arms

Take me in your arms
Kiss me, keep me safe
Make me feel like the child you loved
Bring back our memories.

Take me in your arms
Sigh and whisper in my ears

Tell me the secrets of our future you have planned
Remind me of the journeys we have shared.

Take me in your arms
Touch me, explore me, discover me
Make me feel the like the woman I am
Sensual and seductive to my master.

Take me in your arms
Hold me tight

Don't let me go

Until my day fades

And my sun sets.

Pain

She held the blade steadily

Looking at it
Feeling numb

She checked that the edge was sharp

Ready to use

It was time to release

The pain inside

To have a reason
For hurting so much
Slowly but deeply
She slid it through her flesh
Blood began to seep
Through the the tiny cuts
The blood
Dark and red
Began to pool
On the floor
At last,
The hurt inside her

Began to find away out
She finally found
A reason for hurting the way she did.

I know how to turn you on

I sit staring at you

Wearing my Mona Lisa smile

Yes, the secret smile

That comes upon my lips

When I drift away in thought

I know how to turn you on

I know what buttons to press

Slowly but in a determined action

I bend down lower,lower.

Then,

Only then
Do I touch you

I know how to turn you on

I know what buttons to press

So I do!

You come to life and
Start to make familiar noises
As my disc drive formats

Perfect stranger

My eyes have not beheld you

My fingers have only caressed
The dial of my phone

I contacted you by text

And from there it has grown

I wake each morning

To your assigned ring tone
Greeting me to each new day

Slowly but surely

I am falling for my perfect stranger

And I know you feel the same way
We have arranged to meet

In one months time

Less a day

I am now just watching

The seconds slip away

If I had a conscience
I would say to you right now
Go home and get in with your life
And forget about me somehow
But fickle destiny

Lead you to me

And now I can't find the strenght
For my heart to set you free

For the first time
I spoke to you today

And we agreed
A month was too long to wait

We are both walking

Along this road of fate

A new time, place and date

Was hurriedly agreed

Soon all the pieces will come together

Your voice, name, face, touch and kiss

And then you will be

No longer a mystery

Divorce

Bills

Change of account names

Proof of absence

To remove his debts.

Lawyers

Courts

Solicitors

Judge

All involved

In this strange

But common

Everyday pratice

Known as

D I V O R C E

I miss you......

I miss the sound of your laughter
I miss the way you would look at the drinks I gave you and ask if you'd get drunk
I miss the sound of my phone going off
I miss your messages of love and warmth
I miss the sound of your voice
I miss sitting in the garden on summer evenings with you
I miss visiting you
I miss buying you presents and being able to spoil you
I miss the way you enlightened my life
I miss even having to remind you to take your tablets - though you hated them
I miss the way you make me feel wanted
I miss you because I know you'd understand what I am going thru right now
But
most of all
I miss the way you loved me

Conclusion

Me

This is me.

This is my face.

If you look closely

You may see the blue in my eye

The paleness of my skin

The curl in my hair

But,

That does not

Reveal the true me

For what you are looking at

Is only skin deep

To know me

You need to look at my eyes

Into the window of my soul

The Sands of Time

The sands of time

May be passing by

But

In silent thoughts,

Unguarded memories

I hold you near.

Where time and you

Exist separately.

For here,

You are mine forever.

Turning back the faded memories

To re-live them again

Is the way I keep us alive.

Not worrying about

The sands of time

Broken

I know my life will go on

That I will live with or with out you

But!

It's that I don't just want to get by

I want to live with you by my side

I no longer want to be broken in two

I want to be whole again

Unlock my heart

Why tell me things hard to bear?

This knowledge with me

You do not need to share

To my heart you had the key

But when you unlocked it

You just let me be.

Fairytale

From the beginning

I should of known

The fairytale I was

Living was reality

And

The ending wouldn't be

Happy Ever After

Share

We share a love

that can never

be fulfilled

We share a passion

that has filled

us both

We share the knowledge

that we can

never be

We share the grief

knowing we have to

let each other

go free.

A dog called Joe

Where did our time go?
When grass was green

With you by my side

When all that mattered was each other

You were the best thing
That ever happened to me

I love you so
And you loved me

Where did we go wrong?
Was it when we grew apart?
Or

Was it when you left?

Or when I decided

I couldn't cope
You drove me nuts

But we had good times too

Running in fields
Swimming in streams

Laughing and crying
Dancing in dreams

It all went wrong

That one sad day

I watched you leave
I should of made you stay

Sometimes I wonder

If I never let you go

Would you still be here by my side?
I loved you so

Could it be me?

Who’s smile envelopes your mind?
Who’s hand do you want to grasp?
Who’s lips hold your attention?

Who makes your lips dance with laughter?
Who makes your eyes sparkle?
Who makes your heart race when hearing their voice?

Who do you want to wake up to each morning?
Who do you want to share life’s joys with?
Who do you think of when your mind is wondering?

Who gives you the secret smile your wear?
Who gives you joy to bear the saddest times?
Who gives you hope when you are lost?

Could it be me?

Mummy

My head is throbbing

There is so much work still to be done. Quotes to type, phone calls to make, orders to place. "Mummy" she says tapping me

"mummy"

"Not now darling, I'm busy" I say

never looking up at her

I continue to work

She is still sat next to me

"Mummy" she says again

"Wait" I snap

She presses the keys on the laptop

"Stop" I yell brushing her hand away and deleting the letters

"Mummy" she says again

"What!"

"I love you mummy" she hugs me before skipping off content she has told me

Swan Song

Just as swans pair for life
That's what I vowed the day I married you.

Just as she would mourn her partner leaving

I did too.

Love Hurts

Broken Nose

Fractured Forehead

Brusied

Battered

Hurtful words said.

Police called

Aresst Made

Seperated
I am no longing now livin'

In dread

Dez

Drugs held his life
Everything
Ruined
Your
Kin left because of your
Mood swings
Oblivious
You carried on, growing ever more
Insecure
No one would you trust
Hinder all who offered help
All
Now gone, you are alone.

Finally Found

I have finally
found it
after crying
over a thousand
tears

I have found
peace after pain

I have found release
and no hurt at
the mention of
your name

I have found
the srengh to move on

Most importantly
I have found
I CAN live
without your love

I CAN be
me again.

music

If my heart is the composser
Beating out a tune
Then you must be the
Melody that made my soul sing
For it's you that adds
the music to my life.

I weep alone

I am alone

Not wanting anyone to see
The tears falling from my eyes

The pain in my heart

You have gone

Never to return

I will miss you

I will weep for you

But

I will weep alone

In silence

Wrapped up in my grief.

(Inspired by Terry Irwin the Widow of Steve 'the croc hunter' Irwin in her interview shortly after his death)

Words that cut

As soon as the words are said
He knows it will cause pain
But he repeat the words
Just so she hears them again

Piercing
Twisting
Stabbing

The words enter her heart
Doing damage
That can never be repaired

Crushed
and
Broken
She falls to the floor

She watches him leave
Closing the door.

If and Why

If loving you was wrong
Why did I want you?
If wanting you wasn't right
Why did I desire you?
If desiring caused me pain
Why did I long to see you again?
If seeing each other again meant we feel in love again
Why was our love so wrong?

Self Abuse

My friend committed suicide recently
Everyone was shocked
Everyone was sad
No-one saw through his happy face
No-one saw the mask

Sometimes in her world
Cruel and horrible things
happen.
When it does she need to bleed

Why do you cut yourself you may ask
She doesn't have one answer
There's a million alas,

But I know today
She is ashamed
She will keep her arms hidden away.

No-one will see through her happy face.
No-one will see her mask.


... dedicated to a friend. Stop now please.

Roller Coaster Love

Dedicated To Emz,



As her slumber fades
And morning whispers to her
Its a brand new day
Her first thoughts are of him
And how cruel it is to
Come back into her life
Saying she still means the same to him.

She reasons
If she meant anything to you
You would either go or stay
As coming in and out of her life
Isn't easy to cope with.
When you go she is full of despair
When you are with her
She wonders when you will leave

She doesn't want a roller coaster love affair.

TIME

Behind me the clock's
beating out every second
of my life that's fading away

TICK

TICK

TICK

Just like an expectant father
who is tied to the phone
waiting for that call

I am waiting,
willing the phone to ring


The clock continues to count out
the minutes of my passing life

Love

It only takes one person for you to find love.

I loved him,
As he loved me.

Some people never find love.

Some people find love many times over
and miss it's true meaning.

But
Truly
Having his love just once
Was enough for me.

Aftershave

His aftershave
Still lingers on my clothes
From where we were
Sat so close to each other
Though,
Both within our own comfort zones.

I close my eyes,
Not imaging the man
The scent belongs to
But thinking of you

I breath in

Holding the breath in my chest
just for a few seconds

I breath out
Slowly with a sigh
and a smile dancing
upon my lips.

Suddenly a thought in my head
You never smelt this good!

North East South West

Northern Lights
Southern Days

Eastern Promises

Western Delights

Which way do I head?

Which road should I take?

Which path do I follow?

Where will I make my bed?

I remember

I remember so many things about you.

I remember your voice.
But! I never heard it say goodbye.

I remember your smile.
But! I won't see that again.

I remember your eyes
But! I never saw them when you walked out of my life.

I remember the last words you said to me as you walked away
"Sorry I have to take this call".

I remember so many things about you.
I am just having trouble separating my pain from the hurt.

14th of November 1970 - 36 yrs

1970

14th of November.

36 years ago

my mother gave birth.

36 years ago

I was born.

36 years ago

I was rejected

(for not being a son).

14th November 1970

13 years from that day

I was told

I was not wanted

36 yers ago

They couldn't look at me.

36 years later

we don't speak.

He doesn't want me

Her palm is across the top of her glass
She rests her head onto her perfectly manicured hand
As her girlfriends gather around
And with eyes fullof tears
That would remind you of a misty morn
She simply whispers
Choking back the tears
"He doesn't want me"

Pain

Hot pooling tears
Spill
From
Her eyes

She sits
In
Pain

Every moment
She
Makes
Causes
Discomfort

Purple
Blue
Red
Black

The colours
Bloom
Over
Her body

She stands up
Wiping the tears
From
Her
Eyes

And wonders
Is it
Worth
Saving this
Relationship

Writers block

Do I get writers block
Because I am feeling dead inside?



Do I get writers block
Because I am afraid to express what I am feeling inside?



Do I get writers block
Because I won't let people know me and understand who I am?



Do I get writers block
Because I simply can't think of anything to write?

Green eyed monster

He questions who you are
Jealousy in his eyes
I explain that you are a friend
His eyes narrow
His face questions
Though no words are spoken
He says it's fine
I am allowed friends
As if giving me permission
But I can tell that he is not happy
As he is deceived by his voice

Between the lines

Time moves forward
I stay still
Memories linger
Smiles danced
Moments remembered
Infectious laugh
The sound of your voice
Happiness gained
Simply friends
Over now
Nasty parting

Outward Appearance

I mourn yet I rejoice
Iweep yet I smile.

The Ending

There was something so sad in your face
Your eyes no longer contain their sparkle
I no longer dance in them.

You tell me it's over between us
Hot tears
Collect in my eyes

I look like I have a rain kissed face
As the tears spill forth,
Uncontrollably

Sorrow and pain in my heart
Replaces the love and joy
Held there minutes ago

You reach out to me,
I pull back,
No longer wanting the hands that once loved me
To touch me

I stand up, turn and walk away
You will never know I still love you
Even now, this very day.

Thoughts of you

I linger
On the edge of my dream
So I can spend one more minute with you
As, in my dreams
Distance
Doesn't exist.
We are so close
Close as my next thought or feeling
I wake
You are gone

You are far away
I am so lost

I pull my pillow close
And hug it,
Wishing it was you.

In my cold bed
My heart alone
My body aching
I lie
And think of us.

I dreamt of you last night

While I slept
I dreamt of you
no
not of you
of us

I dreamt I was
Standing in front of you

We were holding
Each
Other
So tight
So close
Never wanting to let go

I could see into you brown eyes
The love still there
After all these years
Reflecting back at me

I dreamt of you last night
Sitting on the grass
With me next to you
Both of us laughing in the sun

I woke,
to find
you were
gone

Tears rolled down my face
The longing for you

too great a pain to tolerate

When I fell asleep again
I found you were still wanting for me
Holding out your arms to hold me
I tell you my love for you will never end

I dreamt of us last night
No!
Not of us
just you

I woke again to find
I am still in love with you
And though you are not here
There is some comfort in knowing
you loved me too.

Care

Thoughts run through my head
As I lie on my bed
Peace and seep
No where to be found
Tonight

Fear and dread
Mix
Together in my head

Worry
Concern

Too far away to help
What can I do from here?

A child
With childhood
Needs
And
Wants

Scared of a world
She doesn't now

She is alone
She is confused

Feeling unloved
Feeling unwanted

Thrown out by her mother
Rejected by her family
For standing up to the
Bully who beats her



Now placed in 'care'
In a place complete
Alien and alone

But!
I hope tonight
As she lies on that bed
She knows
There is one who
CARES

Just One More Time

If I had the chance
To speak to you
Just one more time

I would tell you
How much I love you
How I always will

How sorry I am
For the things
I did wrong

How so very much missed
You are
And how empty
I've become

If I could turn back
Time on itself
I would do
So many things
Differently


Then maybe
Just maybe
You'd still be here
With me

Blink

You are infront of me smiling
I am infront of you smiling

We are reflections of eachother
Creating memories
Storing them somewhere in time

I blink, the image is gone
For it was
a memory from yesteryear

Harsh words vicious tones

Sun has gone
Black velvet has covered

Probing thoughts
Spoken allowed

Harsh words replied
Vicious tones used

Tears then followed
Left in darkness alone

Heart shattered
Does it matter?

No one cares
Who would dare?

A small voice shouts
From the corner of your mind

"You made your bed.
You reap what you sow"

His head is rested
He's fallen asleep

He dreams of what you once dread
When into her arms he once fled

You wish you had the courage
To walk away
But,
Here your kin also lay

Scared of a world
You could command
To be in control
To live your life
To be free

There would be
No more hiding in shadows
Would you dare?
Do you really care?

To be treated this way
You once fought
But now your bones
Are old and taut

Your mind now shattered
A fight you can't win
So once again
You just give in

"I love you", he once uttered
I should of known
Words so easily spoken
are not ever true
For truth stumbles in the throat
When it comes from you.

I was a fool to believe
Those three little words
You whispered to me
so easily deceiving
But never appeasing

You wonder why I question you so
It's because I have seen your heart
And to be truthful, it's far too dark

No love exists
You destroy everything you behold
For once
I wish I had listened to what I was told

A warning to late to heed
Oh how stupid I was indeed.

Tears are flowing
Woo is me
How foolish can one be?

Buzz from the phone

Numbers entered
Phone connects
I hear your voice
what a

B
U
Z
Z

I still get.

Senses

Can I explore

with my hands

with my eyes

with my mouth

with my lips

with my tongue?

Can I use all my senses

Touch, sight, taste, smell and hearing

last night

Last night,
Or,
Should I say this morning?
I was sitting in the garden
There were no stars to look at
To wonder about them in awe
Just grey clouds moving
Weightless in their forever changing way

The peace
The breeze
The stillness
Was
Beautiful
As
It
Surrounded
Me

Warmed by my thoughts
Longing for you.
But,
I could of stayed there for hours
The peace was interrupted
By a text message on my phone
A
N
N
O
Y
E
D
I opened it up
To find it was from you.
You had been thinking about me too
At the same moment I was thinking of you

It made me laugh
Now I have thoughts of you again
Running thru' my head
Joy in my heart
As it skips a beat
And a smile on my face..

Aboy and A Girl

(I have to credit this poem to Sian,

my daughter

who has let me post this here)

A boy and a girl,
the best of friends.
From elementary to high school
from beginning to end.

Through all those years
their friendship grew.
They both felt the same,
but neither knew.

Each waking moment
since the day they met.
They both loved each other
sunrise to sunset.

He was all she had
in her terrible life.
He was the one
who kept her from her knife.

She was his angel,
she made him smile.
Though life threw him curves,
she made it all worth while.

Then one day
things went terribly wrong.
The next few weeks
were like a very sad song.

He made her jealous

on purpose he tried

When the girl asked,
"Do you love me?"

On purpose he lied.

He played with jelousy

like it was a game.

Little did he know

things would never be the same.

His plan was working

but he had no clue

How wrong things would go

the damage he would do.

One night she broke down

feeling very alone.

Just her and her blade,

no one else at home.

She dialed his number

he answered "hello"

She told him she loved him

Then hung up the phone

He raced to her house

just a minute to late

Found her lying in blood

her heart had no rate

Beside her was a note

in it her confession

Her love for this boy

her only obession.

As he read the note,

he knelt down and cried

Grabbed her knife

that night, they both died

She was found in his arms,

both of them dead.

Under her note

his handwriting said:

"She loved me so

I never knew

But all this time

I loved her too"

Storm

There is a storm brewing
Black clouds gathering over head
Thunder in my heart

There is a storm brewing

Flashes of light dancing before me

Rampantness of wind clothing me

There is a storm brewing

Miasma present but not seen

Electric energy within me

There is a storm brewing

Mist all aroun me

For, I am

Dawn

Friends No Longer Here

I was staring into nothingness
Out of a rain splashed window
With a heavy burden upon my heart.

With a sigh
I think of
Friends no longer near.

How much I miss them,
All of them so dear.

Then, as two raindrops
Race down the glass
They hold my attention
Until they disappear

Those two rain drops
as fleeting as they were
taught me a lesson.

Friendships come and go
And,
Instead of missing you all
should be grateful you were ever here

Ten times

I saw you
just before I woke this morning
you said you had been thinking.

You had been reading
the card I sent you.

You told me you had said
ten times
'I love her'
as if it was a surprise to you too.

Then you tell me
the words I long to hear.

When you said those words to me
my heart missed a beat
I was dancing,
even though
I wasn't on my feet

I clung on to my dream
as I didn't want you to go.

I wanted to hear you
say those words
over and over again.

But within a heartbeat
you were gone
and all I have
is the longing
to hear
you
utter those words to me.

Tell me what you think...

Tell me what you think.
Are we going forward,
Or backwards and beginning to
S
I
N
K
?

Are we repeating ourselves
and
going over old ground?
Or are we making new
H
I
S
T
O
R
Y
?

Tell me what you think
For I will let you guide me through this..

Don't you ever leave me

Don't you ever leave me
As you are the one who completes me

Don't you ever leave me
As you are the one who makes my soul take flight

Don't you ever leave me
As you are the one who builds me up when I've been torn down

Don't you ever leave me
As you are the one who can make me smile when I'm feeling low

Don't you ever leave me
As you are the one who makes my heart skip a beat when I think of you, of us.

Don't you ever leave me
As you are the one who gives me my secret smile, the one I wear just for you

Don't you ever leave me
As you are the one who still loves me when I am moody, and, brings sunshine into my life.

Don't you ever leave me
As you simply are my world.

My Lovers Back

He runs his hands over me.
Searching.
Probing.
Exploring.
Every cavity, crease and contour.

He searches.
Not as
An old lover,
With tired familiar hands.
But,
Like a child
Who has just received
His first gift
Since the
War and following depression
Ended.

He savour's
Every moment.
Not wanting to miss a thing.
Discovering.
Recording.
Storing.
Every touch.
Every sensation.
To memory.

My lovers back

Sound of the wind

I am lying in the bath
It is heaven

I have opened the windows
The blind is closed
The room is in darkness
I put on a single candle
It is creating a subtle yellow glow

As I lie in the warm water with my eyes closed
I can hear the rain falling
I hear the sound of the wind
rustling the leaves on the tree
I can feel the breeze coming through the blind

It was such a calm smoothing moment
when peace
surrounded me

I could of stayed there forever
Just listening to that noise

But,
sadly,
peace never lasts long in this house
and all too soon
the moment was gone.

Shadow of consciousness

I could never picture your face
I had to look at a photo
to see you.

Though you were in my dreams
it was just a feeling,
a shadow of consciousness
that you were there with me
no matter hard I tried
to picture you,
I couldn't.

I have now stopped looking at photos.

I have cleared away
the ones hidden within reaching distance
for when I needed to see you.

I needed time to grieve,
properly.
To grieve over you.
The friendship I have lost
The Closeness that's gone
The melliflous of your voice.

So little time has gone by
since making that decision
But,
I can see you.
I see so many images of you
You even visit me now
in my head
during my dreams.

This time not as
shadow
but
as you.